What a whirlwind the last month and a half has been (and why
does it feel like it’s been 5 months?!) Sometimes being an external processor feels
like a sort of curse, but I’m usually always grateful down the road that I
penned what I was thinking and struggling through so I could look back to
milestones with fresh eyes and remember again that God does what He promises to
do – finish the work He started.
Highlands has been the best step on my journey yet, but it has
also been where I’ve had the greatest attack regarding self-doubt and
insecurity. It was not how I expected the journey to be. And it certainly was
not what I came prepared to combat. But what I found after sitting at
Christ’s feet with an empty cup and open ears is that God most certainly
prepares us for the next season before stepping into it. The enemy’s tactics
are no surprise to our Father, though we seem to be shocked every single time
(or maybe it’s just me). Over each season it is His agenda to equip you for the
lesson and sanctification that you will learn in the next. I have found this
true over and over.
I remember months ago I was
talking with a man at church and he was telling me a story about him teaching his daughter
how to cook. He explained that they cooked several meals together and she was catching on fairly quickly; eventually she was cooking
most of the meal by herself without his immediate guidance. The first
time he taught her how to cook a meal he did most of the work. She observed,
learned, and eventually was able to recite back to her dad what he was doing.
As they cooked more meals together she progressed to picking up the knife and spatula,
measuring the ingredients and watching times and temperatures herself while her dad stood behind her to be a help in
time of need or if she forgot what to do next. After so much time spent with
her dad learning how to cook, she was to a point that her dad could leave the
room and go about other things knowing that his daughter was getting the job done
because he had taught her well.
As he was causally explaining how he was really just
enjoying the natural bonding that was happening over cooking meals, I
immediately knew that the Father was nudging my heart to say, “You know my heart is a Father’s heart. I
equip you for every trial, temptation and dark valley. I’ve taught you how to ‘cook
this meal’. I have confidence in you to accomplish the task at hand because I’ve
told you what temperatures and ingredients you need. I don’t take you to the kitchen without giving you a recipe.”
I find that often we have been taught and equipped more than
we believe we have been. We know He knit us in the womb (Psalm 139) yet we
become flustered and confused when we suddenly have an identity crisis. We know
that He has plans to prosper us, not to harm us (Jeremiah 29:11) yet we become
anxiety-driven machines that operate in a ‘need-to-do-more’ state of mind. We
know that we have the Word as our sword (Ephesians 6:17) yet it’s the last
thing we turn to when we need direction because we are afraid we won’t get
immediate revelation when we flip the Book open.
I don’t think it is necessarily that we don’t know what God
says about something, but sometimes we haven’t put the Word to use in a
specific context before, and it’s on your enemy’s agenda to keep us flustered
so we miss the recipe sitting on the kitchen counter.
Pastor Robert Morris once said, “With every new challenge
and new level of responsibility come new insecurities. And all insecurity has
pride rooted in it – if pride is in your heart, insecurity is in your soul. It
is natural to always deal with a new pride with every new season.”
I watched the sermon this quote is from three months prior
to moving to Alabama (From Dream to Destiny series… watch it). I wrote it down because
it meant something to me then, and the Lord recalled it while I was
struggling with insecurities since moving. I fought to understand where it was
coming from, worried there were pieces of my heart I didn’t see rooted in a wrong identity. I was frantically introspecting myself and wondering
if I just missed the enemy. I was frustrated because I felt the enemy blindsided
me.
Until I realized it was NORMAL TO DEAL WITH IT.
Being surrounded by people you have no history with can be
daunting. If you’ve never experienced it, God bless you. You may in the future
so, if you want, go ahead and tuck this in your pocket. It is rough. Or maybe
it’s just me. I may be the only one feeling like I need to prove almost 22 years of dark
valleys and high peaks and the hard lessons those contained. No one knows the
cost it took to get me to the place I am with the Lord. The wisdom He’s given
me was expensive. I don’t take pride in that, but I don’t take for granted that
God restored to me seven-fold what the enemy took. It cost me a lot because I
chose to go to dark pits to learn what God said in Scripture. I wasn’t the one
who took God at His Word; I needed to learn the hard way. So there is a part of
my heart that wants people to know the grueling work it took to get where I am,
and that’s the pride I wasn’t expecting to confront in the new season God led
me to.
All this to say, God humbles pride. When you expect to know
so much about going into full-time ministry (I will look back on this in ten
years and laugh hysterically at this statement – you’re welcome future Kaylee)
and realize you don’t. Cliché to say maybe, but it’s my reality. So I bow
before the Father, the giver of all good gifts, full of grace and mercy,
knowing that He exalts the humble.
A lot of this was to process this out on paper for myself,
but maybe this will encourage someone too... maybe it will hit close
to home in someone's heart, or uplift, move, convict or give a new perspective for new seasons in the future. I pray it is so. Take God at His Word and trust His Fatherhood. He's good at what He does.
Thanks for letting me spill.
In Christ,
Kaylee
